Reprise….


I woke up to his kisses this morning. “Give me a hug.” he said as we lay in bed. His legs wrapped around me, he covering me like a blanket. The warmth of his breath on the nape of my neck. I listened intently as he told me his story. History through his words, honest words. And gestures, funny animated gestures. I contemplated getting out of bed, but my body was too heavy and my mind was elated by this man; this beautiful man now cradling me in his arms. “ Don’t ever let me go” I thought... “Don’t ever let me go.”


THIS is now…I feel like sunshine at night and moonlight in the morning .
CONFUSED.
I woke up to the sun beaming through my window…Laying next to him smelling of cigarettes and stale liquor…He came in at about 1:40am stinky as hell wanting to lay up under me…I don’t think so! GO take a shower, put on some fresh pj’s, brush your teeth…then and only then, can you hold me to sleep!
Not sure what my deal is, but I have become increasingly annoyed by him over the last couple of weeks.
The fairytale is over and reality has set in!
NOW, when we wake in the morning, he’s blasting his music and talking at the top of his lungs.
NOW, when he speaks, every word that falls from his tongue, irritates the shit out of me.
NOW, when we’re in the same space, we spend more time arguing and debating than we do laughing and loving.
And I know relationships aren’t easy and they take a lot of work, and patience, and nurturing, and communication…BLAH, BLAH, BLAH…I get that.
Perhaps its my fault for allowing myself to get so caught up in the emotional side and not even taking the time to consider it from a technical stand point.
Though we may think alike, and SOMETIMES act alike, we are wired differently. My expectations are different from his; as are my wants and desires for this relationship.
Right now I have on my protective gear.
Stifled by a magnitude of defense mechanisms based on past hurts and recent indiscretions….