134

people don't disappoint you, you disappoint you by placing unrealistic expectations on those incapable of delivering. You are the only one who is truly capable of hurting you.

133

What a difference a day makes.

132

Tomorrow is not promised. Today, I love you. 

131

Decisions.

130

Caught up in the newness.

129

You can't feed me bullshit and expect me to eat it.  

128

Nothing ever heals if it keeps getting covered. 

127

 Someday, I will be someone else's, but, right now, I'm ok with becoming my own. 

126

Live and let live. 

125

Beans is back!!!! I missed my baby!

124

I can count on three fingers the number of people, outside of my mama and Bean, who have helped, and continue to help, me through this crazy transition from relationship to emotional emancipation. They don't even realize the amount of comfort I take in having them in my life.
C, D, and S, Thank You!

123

You can't expect anyone to give you what you can't give yourself.

122

I’m in a very unfamiliar place right now and I do not know how to deal.

121

New friends. Same old enemies.

120

"I am not a fantasy. If you want me, earn me." -Olivia Pope

Normally I don't quote fictional television characters, unless it's Elmo or Big Bird, but this shit here is spot on.

119

If you can't accept me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best.
Conditioning myself for better.

118

I'm not the suffer in silence type. When I feel some kind of way, I'll let you know about it. When I say "nigga you're fucking up" believe me and take that as a warning of what's to come.

117

Know thyself. Love thyself.

116

Nigga, I aint got no worries.

114

Forgive. Don't forget.

113

Get up. Get out. Get something.

112

MOVE!!! Do something. Anything. Just do not sit still.

111

Always testing the waters.

110

I've been a bad bad girl.

109

What little respect I have left for you, I lose whenever you open your mouth and a lie falls out.

your inconsistency is fucking up my high.

108

"Stay in peace...not in pieces."

107

“The moment you change your perception is the moment you rewrite the chemistry of your body.”

—	Dr Bruce H Lipton

106

Love is an action.

105

Silver linings.

Sure he's an attractive man. But his lies are ugly. His character is sketchy.
There ain't no beauty in that.

I believe in friendship and relationship partnership and love honesty and loyalty building and growing time and space.
I do not believe in lies and deceit underhanded manipulation back and forth inconsistencies.
I believe in truth. 

PDA's. I miss that shit.

104

It's hard out here for a pimp.

He came to me in my dream. Told me that He loved me. Demanded that I let Him love me. Simmered my fears, took away my pain and loved me. It was wonderful. Then I woke up. And my bed was still cold. My heart still hurt. And there was no love.

Someone else is always watching. Waiting for you to fuck up. Why give them that chance?

103

Reminiscent of Rogers Park.

This shit is getting out of control.

I haven't had a drink in a very long time, but I could certainly use one ret nah!

Buttery rich dark chocolate and pecan brownies with a chocolate ganache topped with chocolate ice cream.
This is my storm I'll dance it however I choose.

101

Old habits come quick when shit gets rough.

Cut myself opened and gave you the insides. Pulled myself apart limb from limb flesh from bone til there was nothing left to hide. Broke those bones layed them bare on the table for you to eat from. Opened a vein and drained myself into a cup for you to drink from. Filled your belly quenched your thirst and watched as you pissed on my remains.
Thank you.

100

Inevitable withdrawal.

"You don't have to stay up late for people that went to sleep a while ago."

99

At least I got a pretty awesome kid out of the deal.

98

Don't let the devil use you.

You said you wouldn't, but you did.
You'll never admit it, but you did.

“Do not fall in love with people like me
we will take you to
museums and parks
and monuments
and kiss you in every beautiful
place so that you can
never go back to them
without tasting us
like blood in your mouth”

I refuse to take the easy way. Quitting is for pussies.
Perhaps that's my problem.

I think my problem is I don’t have any crazy vices to turn to when I’m stressed. I don’t smoke. Don’t really drink. I said NO to drugs a long time ago. There’s sex, but that’s not really a vice. Maybe it is, but still. Most people, when faced with a stressful situation, step away go outside and light up or go to the local bar and grab a drink or twelve. I can’t do either because a.) I hate cigarettes, cigarette smoke, cigarette stench, and lung cancer and b.) I’d have to have more than one drink to put a dent in my stress and one is my limit. So where the hell does that leave me?

97

You won't hear another peep out of me.

Sometimes you gotta ask yourself is it all worth it.

96

I'm convinced everyone is in on the joke except for me.

95

Move along. Ain't nothing to see here.

94

"You can't rearrange what's already been done."

93

"If they don't see you in your highest light, wish them well and cut the cord."

Your burden is someone else's blessing.

92

The things that don't matter do. The things that should matter don't.
I need to clean my life out.

Today

we don't like each other much. tomorrow, maybe we will.

91

"No trust." We've already established that. Now what?

90

My issues are my issues, until they're not.

A woman is standing outside your door in the cold and freezing rain. She knocks begging to be let in. You're not very trusting of strangers, and understandably so, but she's no stranger, in fact, you know her well. You have two choices. You can do one of two things: you can let go of whatever suspicions and doubts you may have about this woman, trust that she means you no harm and let her in, or you can choose the road often traveled and ignore her plea for help for warmth for your affections, and leave her out in the cold.
You had two choices. You chose wrong. Chose to do it by yourself because you couldn't see beyond yourself to see what's been right there all along.
You always choose wrong.

Don't be a hypocrite

If you're gonna preach it, make sure you live it. In every aspect of your life. Not just where you feel most comfortable or in control.

89

“I am fire, and light and fuck you if you don’t like it, fuck you if you hate me for what you know in your lacking heart, you can’t be because of your own weakness, and conformity to these opinions of man who do not matter.”

pretty much.

88

Insecurities come and go with fleeting moments that possess my soul
Right now, this love is not my own

Oldie but goodie...well, not that old....

I’m looking for my orgasm
have you seen her
’cause I can’t seem to find her anywhere
I checked in the bed between the sheets last week and
again this morning but
I couldn’t find her
I checked in the shower on the toilet on top of  my desk in the chair and in the backseat of the car
Still no sign
I checked on the floor on the table and on the kitchen counter
Still no sign
I checked in the hallway on the stairs and even in the doorway last night
Still no sign
I Tried to find her in the mess of stress that has been building in my head
Hoping that somewhere hiding in the clutter is the gutter that is my brain
So
I checked in my sleep
in my dreams
hoping that just the hint of his face would quench her thirst and bring her back to me but
Still no sign
I closed my eyes and listened for the stillness of his breath, summoned the depth of his touch as his words played in my imagination
I
Touched me as he
Fondling the heart of me in search of that sweet release but
Still no sign
Maybe it’s in the lost and found

87

Look at all the bothers I give. 

:)

F U C K I T

86

Sometimes I just need somebody to talk to.

85

Life is ever changing. Ever evolving. Time flies and the world keeps spinning. 
Stand still or move with it.

84

I am a 35 year old brat. I'll be the first to admit that. I want what I want when I want it. But the flipside to that is, I'm willing to do the work it takes to get what I want.

83

We are weird.

I am merely the womb that
carried birthed and mothered
your seed
I am not your lover
your friend
nor your confidant

we don't talk like girlfriends do
like homeboys do
like
bestfriends do
you don't laugh at my corny jokes or
smile at the crinkling of my eye
you don't get excited when I enter a room or
even look at me when I speak
comfort or console me when I hurt or
reassure me when I'm uncertain
I do for you but
you don't for me
I am merely the womb that carried birthed and
mothered your seed
and that's all I'll ever be
so why won't you let me go

Bears repeating

"Sometimes you have to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve."

82

Cold souls stay cold. Dark dank and bitter.
Don't be that person. Keep warm thoughts. Stay drinking the sunshine.

I am learning more and more that control of self is the only control I'll ever have over anyone. You cannot control how people treat you, the way they respond to you, or the level of pain they inflict you on. But you have free reign over your response.

Three components of L O V E

Commitment.
Passion.
Intimacy.

Who says you can't have it all?

81

Faith is everything when there is nothing.

T I R E D

of talking

80

No more tears for fears.

79

I tend to stay in my head a lot longer than I should and that's what gets me in trouble.

The biggest obstacle we'll ever overcome is learning to be ourselves and not giving an inch of a fuck about what anyone else thinks. 
People seldom believe me when I show them who I am. They have me pegged as this fragile soft spoken little thing who smiles and laughs a lot but rarely speaks her mind. Then get mad when they find out they're wrong.
I am a powerhouse. I am a woman. Passionate and fearless. Strong and tender. Compassionate and honest. Beautifully rambunctious with desires far beyond your small understanding.
I am not your preconceived notion. And I definitely don't fit inside your box.

78

Peace and Penis.
That's all I want right now.

Master of disguise. Only a fool afraid of who he really is is capable of such trickery.
Take off the mask. Reveal yourself.

77

The captain of my ship. The master of my soul.

People disappoint you only when given the power to do so. Even those closest to you are capable of finding a weakness and using it against you when the opportunity strikes.
Take care of you. The way no one else can.
Self preservation.

76

Invisible only to those who see her color.

75

"She's mad but she's magic. There's no lie in her fire."

Charles Bukowski

74

Control that which you can. Let go of that which you can't.

73

Away with the comfort zone.

72

Commit. To something. Or to someone. Or to yourself.

71

What you think of me is really none of my business.

70

Who are you?
What are you doing?
Who are you living for?
What makes you happy?
What makes you tick?
Are you living your greatest potential?
Or have you conformed to the norms?

69

I cried. From carrying so much hurt, uncertainty, and pain.
I cried. But I am free.

68

Stay strong and
carry on.

As a seeker of the truth, I am naturally drawn to those who consistently speak fact rather than fiction.
Hit me with the truth, and I'll love you forever.

67

Take care of you.

66

Relax.

65

All I was saying was give peace a chance, but no, you had to keep on going. Had to keep pushing the issue.
Over analyzing.

64

Loud femininity. And sensitive woman parts.

63

The lion and the lamb.
The wolf in sheep's clothing.

62

Make up your mind.

61

Questions. No confessions.

60

Rebel with a cause.

59

One day at a time.

58

Encouragement.

57

Fuckin crackheads. I tell ya.

The time is now 11:55pm and you are play tossing and turning assuming I am texting someone else when in fact I am writing this blog post about you.

I cannot believe this man is lowkey monitoring me while he fake sleeps.
This shit has gotten completely out of control. Maybe tomorrow I'll sit on his lap so that he can watch more closely. Maybe I'll wake him now and show him my text messages.

Trying is half the battle.

56

Seek and you shall find.

55

Head burried in the sand. Hiding from the hurt rarely solves anything, but it surely soothes the broken bruises.  Temporarily.

54

"You wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down."
-Toni Morrison. Song of Solomon

53

Step away.

Quick to point the finger, slow to admit their wrongs.

I am not the monster you're making me out to be. And you're not the saint you'd have others believe you to be. Admit your faults. Face your demons. And stop pointing the finger.

52

My FEELS are all over the place today. I need a hug...that turns into sex.

I know that I am not the lone culprit in the demise of our unrealized enterprise

51

Falling back into old patterns

50

I can honestly say it wasn't me. I take comfort in that.

49

Same shit. Same shit.

48

Resolution or conflicted resolution?

Very few people get what they have while they have it. Sometimes it takes them losing it to realize its existence.

47

Refocus thy focus.

46

Don't panic.

45

No Valentine's penis for me.
Fuck.
But why should today be any different?,

You can't continue to hurt the people who love you and expect them to just lie down and take it. At some point you have to deal with the repercussions.

44

Mental detox.

43

I got lost and...
found a better one.

42

For every action there is a reaction.

Giving myself to myself

41

Living or existing.

40

Strength. Courage. Wisdom.

39

So on life goes.

How dare you not love yourself and think yourself worth less 'cause somebody worthless didn't love you back.

But I'm magic, what are you?

38

Since I laid my burdens down.

A coward

is a coward
is a coward
....

37

I am not made of glass.

You mistake my words for bullets
my tears for frailty
my strength for anger
my want for need
You seem to misunderstand me

People need people

Everybody needs somebody.
If you're in a relationship with someone and you honestly believe you don't need that person; that your life wouldn't be much different without them, then it's time to let go. Stop being selfish and let them go.

36

Hurt people hurt people.

An ear. A shoulder. Two arms. 
Sometimes, most times, that's all I need.

A lesson is repeated until it is learned.
I think it's high time I learn my lesson.

35

Do monogamous relationships still exist?

34

Fade to black. 

It's never enough

O

she's missing again.
This cannot be good.

33

Love me with the truth or hate me with a lie.

"These feelings would go good with pie."
You Damn right they would.

I know you fools be watching. Well keep watching. Maybe one day I'll give you something to look at.

32

Laying my emotions down since they tend to get me in trouble.

Tired of holding on so tight. Tired of caring so much.
To everyone.
About everyone.

united we Fall, divided we stand...alone

This is a separatist society. This is not a team nor an environment for team building. Rarely are things done collectively. Together. As a unit. Rarely do we lean on the other. Never are we bonded. We stand alone. There may be one on the outside of the opposite side trying to get in...or not.
But, mostly, we stand alone.

This wanting to be fed every hour on the hour is getting out of control.

31

Relax. Relate. Release.

How to be alone.
Not lonely.
Alone.
Learning.

30

Confessions of my subconscious.

I don't trust crooked answers.

I honestly think I'm a low-key nymph.
Hello 35.

29

Totally rethinking my decision not to quit.

My Tumblr dash is filled with music and penis.
I think the universe is trying to tell me something.

28

Caution thrown. Hope the wind catches it...or not ;)

I can honestly say that I'm offended.

Fuck complicated as it relates to relationships.
Give me simplicity any day.

27

You're not the only one with demons.

26

We all want attention.

Ask and I'll tell you everything.

25

Question everything.

24

Bears repeating:

Fundamentally, our lives are supposed to be filled with the things that ultimately make us happy. Our souls need to be nourished, enriched daily with our passions. Our gifts. Our talents. The various musings that make up who we are and fill us with immanent light.
Well I seem to have lost that glow. My light has dimmed. My soul is malnourished. Dissatisfied. Hungry for a dance, a love song, a poem, a story, a work of art. Something that lets me know that I am yet alive.
It has become nauseatingly difficult for me to sit behind this desk on a daily basis in a mind numbing stupor wasting away to what feels like nothing.
My creative juices have all but dried up and dissipated. I have been depleted of my happy. My joy extracted from the heart of me.
Unraveling at the seams.
I am not doing what I love and it's killing me.

23

Self preservation.

I convinced that He is preparing me for something greater. 'Cause this shit here...

better question: what separates you from the rest?
don't be typical.

Seriously, what separates me from the rest?

22

The very best part of me.

I have never been good at hiding my feelings, verbally or otherwise.  When I love, you see it. When I hurt, you see it. And everything in between.  There is no mask I don to give the illusion of happy. But, God, I wish there were.

We have been at each other’s throats for over a week. Every other week. And it’s always the same thing. We’re not talking. We’re not touching. We’re not loving or fucking. Maybe it’s me. Maybe my expectations for him to deliver on what he promised are a bit farfetched. Maybe my want and need for an intimate relationship with him is something far beyond his grasp. Maybe he just can’t give me what I want. Nor I him. Maybe love just isn’t enough. Anymore.

I am deeply conflicted. I love him incessantly and he loves me. I suppose. But the connection, if there ever really was one, is no longer there. The chemistry is off. I mean we have our moments where we get along famously, but, more often than not, we don’t. Get along. And maybe it would be easier for me to just pack up and leave if there wasn’t a child involved, but there is and I don’t want to take him away, and I refuse to walk away without him. So what do I do? What do I do with the pain that envelopes me every fucking day? That lulls me to sleep every fucking night? It hurts to talk to him. To look at him. To lay next to him.

 Daily I give myself to this man, to this relationship. And it hurts. And I am tired. And he sees this and knows this yet he does nothing. Says nothing. Instead he sits there. Watching me drown in a pool of my own tears.

Together we can.
Divided we won't.

Venus needs to be fed. 

21

Focus.

20

Blessed. Lessoned. And learned.

"You wanna be happy, find someone you like and never let em go."

Sometimes those closest to you hurt you the most.

19

Reclamation.

18

Confirmation.

No one wants to admit their wrongs. Instead we bottle them up inside and keep them there until we become so consumed by guilt, that the wrongs end up admitting themselves.

An alcohol swab to the brain to erase you from my memory.  If only it were that simple.

17

Hell hath no fury.

Our dreams tell us so much. 

"I am more interested in your fruit than I am your theology. If your knowledge doesn't better equip you to love, it's worthless." -Mattie Montgomery

When you value what you have, you do everything you can to protect it, when you don't, you let it fall by the wayside.
Currently by the wayside.

Sometimes giving a fuck takes too much energy.

16

No more playing it safe.

15

It is so easy to falter in times of strife.  Everyday I'm learning.
So far so good.

13

Be who you are when no one is watching.
Everyday. In every circumstance.

12

Why is it easier to lie than tell the truth?
We are all so caught up in false personification. Showing the world what they want to see instead of what they need to see.

What we glorify, we personify.

14

You can't run. You can't hide from your truths.

Like maybe I was his husband and maybe he was my wife

Been tempted by temptation all week. Finish what you start before you start something else.

11

Honesty.
Integrity.
Respect.
Yes, I can say I did the right thing. Today. But everyday is a challenge. And some days are better than others.

10

time to free my oppressed vagina.
this is just fucking crazy.

"Strong animals know when your hearts are weak, that makes them hungry, and that's when they start coming."

-Hushpuppy

real shit

I want to play with someone.
Someone who wants to play with me.

You say you know, but
you don't be knowing
the story that lies between these thighs
the secrets that hide behind my eyes
the tears evoked by my silent cries
the ties that bind my sleepless mind
you say you know, but
you don't be knowing
perhaps you would, if you paid attention

I want nothing from you, but everything with you. If you can't get with that, perhaps it's time to turn me loose.

Self doubt can kiss. my. ass.

And I am not mean. Im hurt.

If you knew of the things that excite me, the things that turn me on, that ignite fire, and incite passion, in me, you might not like me. Conversely, you may fall in love with me. Again.

9

Clarity.

"Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place."  -Zora Neal Hurston

Especially when you're loving on yourself.

Encourage them if you like, but don't lose what you have for something of lesser value.

8.5

Be New.

8

Someone to love. Someone to hold. Someone to understand. To understand that I am not perfect, but  perfectly imperfect. Someone to know my story. The depth of my bruises. The sorrow in my cry. The cringe of my pain. The secret in my eyes.
Someone who knows that to love me is to accept me. Unconditionally. No matter how fucked up I can be.

Guards forever lifted.

7

Speaking of coming...I'm losing my religion.

6

Eat, Pray, Love's second coming....

5

Caring is a necessary evil.

4

I am losing my faith in people.

Protect what's precious to you.

It's nice to know someone is listening.

3

Change the things that move you. 
Get new eyes.

2

Fuck me to sleep.