I don’t know how to be this person. This person who turns and walks away from love with no sense of direction or explanation. I don’t know how to not try to fix something that’s broken but not broken beyond repair. I don’t know how to not think of you and miss you and love you with my entire being, yet feel so empty, lost, and alone…
What has gotten into me? I am not this weak twig of a woman amongst a tree of strong branches. I am the fucking tree. The soil, the foundation from which it grows, holding it all together. So why then do I feel like a blade of grass? Tiny. Insignificant. Fragile.
My heart was not made to bear the brunt of bruises that heartache leaves behind. But somewhere in the midst of this chaotic mind fuck lies a lesson to beat all lessons.
It still hurts. This achy pain in my chest still abides by my side with no hopes of timely dissipation. I can’t even look at his face so I erased it from the contacts in my phone. Fresh remembrances still fresh and too tender to touch so I walk around cloaked and covered with kitten gloves. Hiding my heart, my ears, my eyes, and anything else that resembles him. His words. Our laughter. Our promises.
I have been so wrong and right about so many things as of late that now it’s hard to decipher between the two.
Did I read too far into his words? Did I misread the fine print on his label like so many times before? Was he playing me or did I just play the fuck out of myself?
So many questions. Not enough answers.
I looked for him today. Looked for his calls. His emails. His laughter. His affection. His love. In every corner of that room I searched for him. Perused old text messages hoping for a sign, any sign that he was real. That he had actually been there. That he really did exist.
I found nothing. No words. No love. No laughter. Just an empty silence taunting and teasing me for having been so foolish.
And the pain. The painful remains of our demise remain like blotted ink stains in my pocket.

nina　

Snippet...9-19-2011

I have secrets even these walls can’t keep
Secrets that lie dormant in my mind then
Haunt me in my sleep.
Skeletal remains of tales left untold
Unearthed and cloaked in darkness as the story unfolds
...

nina

Beyond…

I want to love you beyond words
The words in my head that send me through roller coasters of emotion
When you are not around
Beyond the confused and misconstrued
The who, what, where, when, and whys of fuddled conversation
The highs and lows
The high-pitched tones of syllables broken down with explanation
The connotation and subtle abbreviation of what we mean to me
Beyond the goodbyes and the hi’s
The fall and the rise of inflatable heart-shaped affections
Beyond promises, pinky swears, and muted expectations
Beyond the whispered soliloquies
The metaphors and the similes
I want to love you beyond the noise
The voiceless words that fall on deaf ears
Ears pained from lies and disappointment derived from experience past
I want to capitalize on the silence
Absent of verbal expression
When all it takes is a look or simple gesture to convey just what you mean to me
I want to love you beyond I love you…
　
nina

We have both done some serious shit to one another. No one offense was greater than the other.

9-10-2011

Holding on to a love lost in lust and
mistrust was us thinking that things would change...
they never did.
And sex was not the remedy.
It only made me the enemy.
Consumed by regret, I could no longer let
me make a fool of me...

nina

9-1-11

Last night I broke…
Down.
I stepped outside myself and became
Myself
My guilt has overtaken me in the worst way. As have my insecurities.
And them things run deep.
I questioned him. Incessantly. About her. And some other person with the same name as his ex whose name shall remain nameless, but permanently embedded in my brain. Sometimes I wish I could take an alcohol swab to the head to cleanse my mind and sterilize my thoughts. Sucks that it doesn’t work that way.
　
　
nina