5-25-2011

I woke up in a mood as dark as the clouds that covered the sky this morning.
The repugnant stench of worry, doubt, and frustration permeated the air in my apartment.
I did not want to get out of bed.
I wanted to lay there. Just lay there.
In thought. In reflection.
Its raining out today
And
Everything from the wake from my dreams, the resounding rage of the thunder, and the dryness of his tone Makes me want to crawl under the covers and hide there until the pain of the rain goes away
And
The sun highlights the sky.

Speaking of Men...

...I am so ready for love...
But I am scared shitless.
Not of love itself, but of letting go and giving in.
Submission.
Vulnerability frightens me.
Stifles me.
And as much as I try to steady my feet and take it slow, the idea of loving him
and him loving me, excites me!
Its pushing me to want more.
To want to do more with him.
Not as individuals, but as individuals in a unit that share an unbreakable common bond.
LOVE!
And once you say I LOVE YOU, you can't take it back.
And, depending on the playing field, that can totally change the dynamic of the relationship.
Where there once was no expectation, suddenly there's expectation growing out of your ass.
And doing what comes natural is no longer natural.
And that's what scares me.
The questioning, doubting, second guessing, typical getting too comfortable phase leaves a bitter
taste in my mouth.
I want to grow old with this man.
I'm sick of practicing for the real thing.
No more dress rehearsals...
I'm ready for my close-up!

5-3-2011

At the end of the day, all I really need is love...ing

Loving.

Im not talking about that old Leave it to Beaver shit kind of love...

Im talking about that honey I had a long day at work can you relieve my stress kind of love...

that put down the phone, unbuckle your pants, drop your draws, and have me on the counter kind of love...ing

Loving.