Day 33:

My heart is in my stomach. I swallowed it in hopes of pooping it out, cleaning it up, removing the hurt, and starting anew....
No such luck.
"Why is it so easy to love yet so stupidly hard to let go?" Asked the fool.
But am I such a fool for wanting him so?
My soul is clinched to his and I don't want to let go.
I want to hold on to him for dear life
or until my fingers bleed and my hands become numb
and my soul impervious to the fallacies and untruths that once fell from his lips.
I'm not a huge fan of "hate", but today I HATE!
I hate the empty feeling of uncertainty; of not knowing.
Blinded still, my heart leads me in the darkness,
guides my way to his place, to his space, to his face.
And with one brush of his lips, and just a hint of his breath,
I am hooked.
And suddenly the fear doesn't matter anymore.
I'm all in....

love.

I still remember how your lips feel
The taste of your tongue, the sweetness of your breath
I still remember…
your touch
My back, my ass, pulling me close
Your arms wrapped around me. We breathe. One body
I still remember…
your eyes. Piercing right through me
The devious glares. The quizzical stares haunt me in my sleep
I still remember…
Lip prints stain the mug from which you once sipped
The scent of you still lingers in my hair tickling my senses
Remnants of you, a body of evidence outlines the couch on which you once sat
I still feel you
With every thought there is a reminder
With every reminder there is pain
But I still remember
I still remember, do you?


nina

Closure.

What a coward I’ve become!
Instead of fessing up and telling the truth, I scoured in the corner and said the first thing the came to mind, a lie!
I was never more ashamed of myself. More so for my behavior over the past few days.
My plate was over its capacity until last night.
He came over. The mood was dull and dry.
Unbearable.
I was nonchalant, unattentive, and somewhat cold.
He was dry, irritable, lost, and short.
Understandable.
Clearly things weren’t working out.
A dream deferred.
So ending it was for the best, right?
We fell asleep real awkward like.
He at the foot of the bed, me in fetal position at the head of the bed.
No contact at all whatsoever.
That’s the way it’s supposed to be, right?
When you break-up with someone, do you still have to comply with the rules as far as sleeping in the same bed?
We both woke up at around 2:40 a.m.
Me to wrap my hair, he to pee.
Back in bed, tossing and turning, air filled with anxiety and uncertainty.
Awkward silence. We decided to talk.
Sad that we couldn’t see passed our childish stubborn ways and allow the greatness that once was to consume us once again.
A few hugs. kisses.
He spooned me to sleep.
I woke up overcome with emotion…sex, lust, want, sadness, hope…all nestled in my body.
We parted ways.
No “I love you”. No “See you later”.
Simply “Goodbye”
CLOSURE.

nina