I want to share my life with him.
To live together under one roof as one family.
Just as it should be.
I want to lay in bed with him and read. Or pay bills. Or watch Sports Center. Or listen to music. Or in a moment of complete and utter silence, listen to the rhythm of his heart and the stillness of his breath.
I want the complication riddled with simplicity.
I want the laughing, the loving, the learning, the growing.
I want the fire of the fight and the passion of making up.
I want to live and grow with him...with us...with we...
Am I a fool?
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Random...
if thoughts become things, does that include dreams since a dream is merely an extension of our thoughts?
That dream freaked me out! I think, undoubtedly, that I need to call her...just to make sure she's ok.
I've gotten so bad at this friendship thing.
Yet another thing I need to work on.
P.S. if you're reading this...ILOVEYOUMORETHANALLTHEWORDSINALLTHEBOOKSINALLTHEWORLD.
yet another true story.
That dream freaked me out! I think, undoubtedly, that I need to call her...just to make sure she's ok.
I've gotten so bad at this friendship thing.
Yet another thing I need to work on.
P.S. if you're reading this...ILOVEYOUMORETHANALLTHEWORDSINALLTHEBOOKSINALLTHEWORLD.
yet another true story.
11-24-09
Still not quite sure why I have completely withdrawn from him...from the situation over all.
It's kind of sad actually.
How do I justify my behavior?
Maybe it's just PMS...
No. it is not PMS!! I am a bad bad person. I feel horrible for having treated him this way.
I really don't know what to do right now.
NUMB.
I'm sorry.
He actually tried to surprise me and pick me up from work... :) :(
I am such an ASS!
It's kind of sad actually.
How do I justify my behavior?
Maybe it's just PMS...
No. it is not PMS!! I am a bad bad person. I feel horrible for having treated him this way.
I really don't know what to do right now.
NUMB.
I'm sorry.
He actually tried to surprise me and pick me up from work... :) :(
I am such an ASS!
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
11-18-09
11-18-09
Can we go back to the way it used to be?
When things were fun and uncomplicated.
When all I really needed was to be in your space to be happy.
Star Trek, Blankman, Borders and Uncle Joes.
When I could be myself around you; completely naked and unguarded because I wasn’t
worried about you hurting me.
Or is it too late? Did crossing that line between friendship and intimacy ruin us for good?
Or am I just over analyzing again?
I miss Lucky...
Can we go back to the way it used to be?
When things were fun and uncomplicated.
When all I really needed was to be in your space to be happy.
Star Trek, Blankman, Borders and Uncle Joes.
When I could be myself around you; completely naked and unguarded because I wasn’t
worried about you hurting me.
Or is it too late? Did crossing that line between friendship and intimacy ruin us for good?
Or am I just over analyzing again?
I miss Lucky...
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
11-17-09
11/17/09
I just got off the phone with my mommy! I love her so much and sometimes don’t realize what she goes through.
I want so much for her to be happy that it makes me sad when I realize that she’s not.
“I love you, Nina…” That’s how she ended the call. She never says it like that.
My heart is broken.
:(
I love you Mommy!!!
I just got off the phone with my mommy! I love her so much and sometimes don’t realize what she goes through.
I want so much for her to be happy that it makes me sad when I realize that she’s not.
“I love you, Nina…” That’s how she ended the call. She never says it like that.
My heart is broken.
:(
I love you Mommy!!!
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Untitled...
I’m trying to do right but I’m having a hard time
Breathing…
I need air…
These vices are smoothing me…cutting off my
supply…
too many to count…
troubles without numbers surround me…
Have mercy on me…
Forgive me Father for I have sinned…
if left alone to my own devices, I might sin again…
I might drink again…
we might freak again…
I might sink again…
Father please save me from this mess I’m in…
Ubiquitous sin I’m in…
Perilous downfall of emotionless meaninglessness…
“use your head and stop fighting the world with what’s
between your legs…”
is what she said…
She is the me that I want to be…
Staring in the mirror, I recognize her face but her eyes I
cannot see…
Lifeless…numb to the perils that surround her daily…
Her soul is choking, panting heavily
fighting to catch her breath…
Inside her heart cringes…
She’s screaming for help…
Begging to be free…
Free…to be..the me…that I…want…to…be…
Breathing…
I need air…
These vices are smoothing me…cutting off my
supply…
too many to count…
troubles without numbers surround me…
Have mercy on me…
Forgive me Father for I have sinned…
if left alone to my own devices, I might sin again…
I might drink again…
we might freak again…
I might sink again…
Father please save me from this mess I’m in…
Ubiquitous sin I’m in…
Perilous downfall of emotionless meaninglessness…
“use your head and stop fighting the world with what’s
between your legs…”
is what she said…
She is the me that I want to be…
Staring in the mirror, I recognize her face but her eyes I
cannot see…
Lifeless…numb to the perils that surround her daily…
Her soul is choking, panting heavily
fighting to catch her breath…
Inside her heart cringes…
She’s screaming for help…
Begging to be free…
Free…to be..the me…that I…want…to…be…
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
My Truths...
TRUTH…
The truth is I really want and need to do something different with my life, but I just don’t know where to begin…
The truth is that while I do appreciate being able to say that I have a job, I’m really beginning to STRONGLY dislike the whole corporate office environment. It’s every man for himself. And while that may work for some, it doesn’t work for all.
The truth is that I really do love the father of my child, and wish, both for T's sake, and for my own selfish reasons, that we would actually get it together for the BETTERMENT of our child…
The truth is I really do get lonely whenever he’s not around…
The truth is that I could really do without the bullshit of bullshitters and THAT is why I choose to stay away…
The truth is I do get weak in times of loneliness and therefore have a tendency to reach out to those who are unworthy of my reach just to feel appreciated…
The truth is I have become ever so lazy over the past few months…
The truth is I waste way too much money on cabs in the morning because of said laziness
The truth is I am 31 years old and am just now learning to love who I am…
Truth is I am still learning my worth and am sometimes bitter toward Carl for not being around to tell me just how special and great I was as a child…
Truth is I am still searching for that validation from a man…still looking for that father figure.
Truth is I am still fighting and pushing through bouts of self doubt.
Truth is I am human, I make mistakes...
Truth is while, my heart may be bruised, I have no regrets and wish him nothing but the best in all of his endeavors...
Truth is I am so very ready to settle down and make love, and life, and happiness, and peace, and build something great...but I keep letting my fears, a dubious distinction at best, get in the way...
Truth is I still kind of have a crush on him and sometimes get the urge to kiss him whenever he's around...
Truth is I hate his "closed-off" or "shut-down" moments and am often tempted to just walk away...
Truth is "nobody can hurt me unless I give them permission..."
Truth is I am learning me and loving me in spite of me…
To Be Cont…
nina
The truth is I really want and need to do something different with my life, but I just don’t know where to begin…
The truth is that while I do appreciate being able to say that I have a job, I’m really beginning to STRONGLY dislike the whole corporate office environment. It’s every man for himself. And while that may work for some, it doesn’t work for all.
The truth is that I really do love the father of my child, and wish, both for T's sake, and for my own selfish reasons, that we would actually get it together for the BETTERMENT of our child…
The truth is I really do get lonely whenever he’s not around…
The truth is that I could really do without the bullshit of bullshitters and THAT is why I choose to stay away…
The truth is I do get weak in times of loneliness and therefore have a tendency to reach out to those who are unworthy of my reach just to feel appreciated…
The truth is I have become ever so lazy over the past few months…
The truth is I waste way too much money on cabs in the morning because of said laziness
The truth is I am 31 years old and am just now learning to love who I am…
Truth is I am still learning my worth and am sometimes bitter toward Carl for not being around to tell me just how special and great I was as a child…
Truth is I am still searching for that validation from a man…still looking for that father figure.
Truth is I am still fighting and pushing through bouts of self doubt.
Truth is I am human, I make mistakes...
Truth is while, my heart may be bruised, I have no regrets and wish him nothing but the best in all of his endeavors...
Truth is I am so very ready to settle down and make love, and life, and happiness, and peace, and build something great...but I keep letting my fears, a dubious distinction at best, get in the way...
Truth is I still kind of have a crush on him and sometimes get the urge to kiss him whenever he's around...
Truth is I hate his "closed-off" or "shut-down" moments and am often tempted to just walk away...
Truth is "nobody can hurt me unless I give them permission..."
Truth is I am learning me and loving me in spite of me…
To Be Cont…
nina
Impervious.
Emotions sucked right out of me
frustrated I waited patiently for your heart to unfold
and reveal the precious pleasures within
Impervious to my touch
bottomless emotionless pit is what you gave me
my soul is SCREAMING for the most high to save me
from this mess I'm in
mess of the heart...LOVE, I'm in
Because of you now my heart defends
this is now...that was then
fairytale beginning...realistic end...
frustrated I waited patiently for your heart to unfold
and reveal the precious pleasures within
Impervious to my touch
bottomless emotionless pit is what you gave me
my soul is SCREAMING for the most high to save me
from this mess I'm in
mess of the heart...LOVE, I'm in
Because of you now my heart defends
this is now...that was then
fairytale beginning...realistic end...
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Inglorious BASTARD!!!
Some people are just ass holes for no reason at all.
To them I say " GO SUCK A BIG FAT NASTY ONE!!!"
Inglorious bastards!!!
I digress...
From this moment forward, I promise to direct all ill/negative energies at its intended target...and stop slapping innocent by-standers. They should not have to pay for your shortcomings.
I have been holding on to something for about a week that I must now release from my spirit.
Harboring ill feelings is so not a part of my blueprint, no matter what the offense.
Today I purge...
An Ode To Carl Lee Williams...
Dearest father,
Fuck you! Just who in the hell do you think you are? Where do you get off telling me, your daughter, that I am not marriage material?! Telling me that I'm just like my uncle, in that I'm too much of a "player"??, and I don't know how to settle down, therefore I will never get married??!?!? You egotistical self serving son of a bitch! How dare you!
For the past 28 of my almost 32 years I have done nothing but search and struggle to find someone/something to fill the proverbial VOID that you left when you abandoned me, my mom, and my brother. Leaving me empty, alone, and confused. Confused about why you left, not knowing whether or not it was my fault; totally blaming myself for the demise of our family (or lack there of). I wondered what it truly meant and felt like to be loved, and wanted, and needed by the man that I was supposed to look up to; the man I was supposed to model my future husband after. But only you weren't there. Yet you continued to shower me with empty promises and broken dreams. Leaving my mom to pick up the pieces of a heart that you shattered every chance you got because you were too much of a coward to step up and take care of your responsibilities. You, instead, decided to hoe around and live a life of crime, degradation, and nothingness. Yet you have the absolute nerve to tell me I wont get married because I'm too much of a what?! Get the fuck out of here with *that* bullshit!
Did you ever stop to think that maybe you're the reason I'm so fucked up in the head when it comes to men, love, and relationships? Did you ever think that maybe you had a major hand in my not being able to decipher the difference between love and lust? And that the absence of a real father figure has left me blinded, jaded, and emotionally undone? You pompous ego maniac!
How dare you try to tear me down in order to build yourself up!
Fuck you and your stupid words!
Fuck you and your meaningless gestures!
Fuck you and your consistent inconsistencies!
Fuck you and your dead promises!
Fuck you and your disillusioned and misguided attempts to make up for times past through my child...
And NO! I am not bitter! Just ready to let go. And rather than falter because your foolishness, my stance is steady and I choose to persevere!
I know who I am, what I want, and what I deserve. I know my worth...and that, dear father, is something you can never take away.
Let me end by saying that I do love you, beyond measure. I just don't like you very much...
To them I say " GO SUCK A BIG FAT NASTY ONE!!!"
Inglorious bastards!!!
I digress...
From this moment forward, I promise to direct all ill/negative energies at its intended target...and stop slapping innocent by-standers. They should not have to pay for your shortcomings.
I have been holding on to something for about a week that I must now release from my spirit.
Harboring ill feelings is so not a part of my blueprint, no matter what the offense.
Today I purge...
An Ode To Carl Lee Williams...
Dearest father,
Fuck you! Just who in the hell do you think you are? Where do you get off telling me, your daughter, that I am not marriage material?! Telling me that I'm just like my uncle, in that I'm too much of a "player"??, and I don't know how to settle down, therefore I will never get married??!?!? You egotistical self serving son of a bitch! How dare you!
For the past 28 of my almost 32 years I have done nothing but search and struggle to find someone/something to fill the proverbial VOID that you left when you abandoned me, my mom, and my brother. Leaving me empty, alone, and confused. Confused about why you left, not knowing whether or not it was my fault; totally blaming myself for the demise of our family (or lack there of). I wondered what it truly meant and felt like to be loved, and wanted, and needed by the man that I was supposed to look up to; the man I was supposed to model my future husband after. But only you weren't there. Yet you continued to shower me with empty promises and broken dreams. Leaving my mom to pick up the pieces of a heart that you shattered every chance you got because you were too much of a coward to step up and take care of your responsibilities. You, instead, decided to hoe around and live a life of crime, degradation, and nothingness. Yet you have the absolute nerve to tell me I wont get married because I'm too much of a what?! Get the fuck out of here with *that* bullshit!
Did you ever stop to think that maybe you're the reason I'm so fucked up in the head when it comes to men, love, and relationships? Did you ever think that maybe you had a major hand in my not being able to decipher the difference between love and lust? And that the absence of a real father figure has left me blinded, jaded, and emotionally undone? You pompous ego maniac!
How dare you try to tear me down in order to build yourself up!
Fuck you and your stupid words!
Fuck you and your meaningless gestures!
Fuck you and your consistent inconsistencies!
Fuck you and your dead promises!
Fuck you and your disillusioned and misguided attempts to make up for times past through my child...
And NO! I am not bitter! Just ready to let go. And rather than falter because your foolishness, my stance is steady and I choose to persevere!
I know who I am, what I want, and what I deserve. I know my worth...and that, dear father, is something you can never take away.
Let me end by saying that I do love you, beyond measure. I just don't like you very much...
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