"I'm in repair. I'm not together, but I'm getting there" - John Mayer

Grumpy old man. Yes.

4-26-12

We’re not at war with each other, that’s what I decided. We’re at war with ourselves.
Fighting the demons between us
But…
I’m not myself anymore. And it shows when Bean looks at me; when I look at me.
I hardly recognize that stranger in the mirror staring back at me. The little girl with the sad eyes and weak smile.
This is NOT me.
This war is killing me softly.

Someone told me I was beautiful today.
To my face.
Not cute. Not pretty.
Beautiful.

That caged bird wasn't singing.

Voiceless words that fall on deaf ears...

I'm too tired to care.

Although the arguing is over, we have yet to collectively acknowledge the root of the problem. We have yet to come to a feasible resolution where equal parts agree. We have yet to apologize for our contribution to the nonsense that has clouded judgement, halted rationalization, and evoked complete emotional distress.
In other words, we have swept our issues under the proverbial rug. Damn it's dirty under there.
We have slapped a great big bandaid over wounds laden with years of unresolved bullshit, past hurts, and undiscovered untruths.

Conflict. No resolution. The story of us.

GO TEAM?

Day 5

I am forever changed.
Things won't ever be the same.

Day 4

No more words.

Day 3

This aint love. It's torture.

Day 2

Apathetic: indifferent; unresponsive; withdrawn. Unfeeling.

Day 1.5

Granted. Taken for.
Disappear. Must I?

Day 1

I think I already said this, but I'm not built for this shit.
Fragile? Understatement. Normally I'd argue the notion, but there is absolutely nothing "normal" about this...."situation" therefore fragile is precisely what I'm feeling.
Disconnected.
Withdrawn.
And its not as if my hand was pushed. I wasn't forced against my will. I put myself here. We put ourselves here in hopes of building, growing, loving, living. In harmony. Not chaos.
Well now, I'm not so sure anymore. I cant ask a sincere question or make a statement without getting my head torn off. Something as sweet and endearing as a well meaning hug has turned into a derogatory gesture. Is this the reality of cohabitating lovers?
So now what the fuck.?!?!
Praying.

The Beginning.

Lingering suspicion.

Making a conscious decision to let go of and relinquish everything you’ve held on to. Every hurt, every hurdle, every deterrent, every distraction, every piece of everything that has held you abound and shackled and kept you from your glory. To release those things into the hands of a higher power and trust that everything will work out for your greater good, is one of the greatest things you will ever do.
Trusting man, a human being, to give you a sense of self worth, to be reliable, dependable, open, honest…consistent, is one of the dumbest things you will ever do.
Things change. People change. But God doesn’t.
God’s love is constant. His hand is unwavering. God never fails us. He never leaves, never disappoints. He sees us for who we are, and still loves us in spite of who we are.
People don’t fail us, we fail ourselves when we put all of our hope, our trust in the next man who is just as screwed up as us.
Termites sucking life out of each other. Depleted of any real sense of self. Completely oblivious to what this life, this gift is really about.

My next boy friend is gonna be a sweet compassionate fat sloppy son of a bitch who loves to have sex.

I don't know how to do this.