7-21-2010

“You think with your eyes, so you’re easy to fool…”
He is a very handsome man…and I’m pretty sure, married or not, he has plenty of women throwing the panty drawers his way.
But that’s not me. I’ve never been one to throw my coochie at a dude just because he was fine.
Hell, I’m fine too. So I don’t need to use my cookie to vie for a man’s affections.
Besides, That’s wasn’t us. That’s not what we were on. What was ours was different.
We were friends. We had a connection…or so I’d like to think.
Truth be told, initially, I was terrified of him coming to see me. I didn’t know his life story. What he had seen or been through. Didn’t know if he was on that nutty shit or not…
So I was hesitant to take that chance.
But I’m glad I did…
My intent was not to lure him into my lair and have my way with him. Yes, the attraction was there…but I was fully cognizant of his situation.
Al Bundy!
I respected that.
Then something happened.
The thoughts became words. The words turned into action.
We kissed.
And for the first time in a long time, I remembered.
I remembered wanting him to see me in the fourth grade. Uniform and pigtails. Riding the school bus. Crushing hard.
I remembered seeing him in high school. His senior prom…But I was sure he had forgotten me by then.
After all, fourth grade had been so long ago. I was sure he wouldn’t remember.
I remembered going to see him my senior year in high school.
How it all went down was a blur. But I remembered being in that room with him…alone. Only wanting to kiss him.
But even through remembering, I still said nothing. I couldn’t believe that I was finally getting what I wanted. A distant memory once suppressed, finding its way to the surface after all those years.
But I soon learned, just because it looks good, sounds good, smells good, hell maybe even tastes good, don’t mean its good for you.

7-10-2010

Loving you has become the most difficult and daunting task I have ever had to endure.
I feel like we’ve been down this road a million times before; hit this same wall repeatedly time after time. Yet we continue to torture ourselves and each other with empty promises and expectations. And when things don’t work out, I’m usually the one to blame. When in reality, I’m the one who tried the hardest. I’m the one who held on, held out, and fought tooth and nail, while you sat on the sidelines observing, and laughing, but never caring. Making me look like the fool. The fool who thought it could, but never would, turn into something beautiful. Something we created together…

Fuck me for dreaming.