I don’t know how to be this person. This person who turns and walks away from love with no sense of direction or explanation. I don’t know how to not try to fix something that’s broken but not broken beyond repair. I don’t know how to not think of you and miss you and love you with my entire being, yet feel so empty, lost, and alone…
What has gotten into me? I am not this weak twig of a woman amongst a tree of strong branches. I am the fucking tree. The soil, the foundation from which it grows, holding it all together. So why then do I feel like a blade of grass? Tiny. Insignificant. Fragile.
My heart was not made to bear the brunt of bruises that heartache leaves behind. But somewhere in the midst of this chaotic mind fuck lies a lesson to beat all lessons.
It still hurts. This achy pain in my chest still abides by my side with no hopes of timely dissipation. I can’t even look at his face so I erased it from the contacts in my phone. Fresh remembrances still fresh and too tender to touch so I walk around cloaked and covered with kitten gloves. Hiding my heart, my ears, my eyes, and anything else that resembles him. His words. Our laughter. Our promises.
I have been so wrong and right about so many things as of late that now it’s hard to decipher between the two.
Did I read too far into his words? Did I misread the fine print on his label like so many times before? Was he playing me or did I just play the fuck out of myself?
So many questions. Not enough answers.
I looked for him today. Looked for his calls. His emails. His laughter. His affection. His love. In every corner of that room I searched for him. Perused old text messages hoping for a sign, any sign that he was real. That he had actually been there. That he really did exist.
I found nothing. No words. No love. No laughter. Just an empty silence taunting and teasing me for having been so foolish.
And the pain. The painful remains of our demise remain like blotted ink stains in my pocket.

nina