10-6-2011


I’d be lying if I said I was in good spirits today. I’m not. But I am trying.
I woke up thanking God for another day and another chance to make Him proud of me. Prayed for peace, guidance, and a strong will to sustain me. Asked for forgiveness for my sins (I have many) and blessings as He sees fit.
He has not failed me yet and I thank Him for standing with me in the midst of this tumultuous battlefield.
But my heart is heavy. So heavy. Anchored down by doubt, fear, uncertainty, and anger all from a past resurfaced.
I looked at his FB page today and there it was. There she was, offering herself up on a plate of gravy and biscuits ready to be sopped up…by him.
My face was flushed. My ears were hot. And my temper boiled through my veins.
Anger, frustration, and a tinge of jealousy filled my space and I was ready to pounce. Like a lioness to her prey, I was out for blood.
But that’s not me. It’s not who I am. My momma raised me better than that.
So I reached deep down in my pocket…for a prayer, a word, or the good sense God gave me.
“Dear Lord God Please don’t let me act a fool on here”
My anger has since subsided, but the fear, doubt, and uncertainty remain. Hence my current mood.
Things will never be simple with us. There will always be some untold truth. Always a question. Always someone on the outside trying to get into our inside to sneak a piece of the pie.
I’m not sure if I have the strength to endure the tug of war all over again. Not sure if I want to. Not sure if its worth it.
Love is. But…are we?
Too many times I have had to talk myself down from the proverbial ledge of emotional self destruction based off what I saw and carnal knowledge of the flesh. His flesh. My flesh.
I need stability. Need to feel safe. Safe in knowing that if I turn my head for a moment, you won’t be doling out the pie behind my back.
But if that is the case, if you do give away the pie behind my back, then it was never really my pie to begin with.